The Fate of White Sox Dave Is in Your Hands For Our 4th Annual Cyber Monday Telethon: 20% of Entire Store Today

So every Cyber Monday we try to spice things up a bit during our annual telethon. One year I was buried alive. The next year we shot paint balls at YP and almost killed Sargent Smith in the process.

Well this year we have flown in White Sox Dave and rented one of those carnival pitching machines. Here is what we are doing.

OFFICIAL RULES

– Every $10k we sell, White Sox Dave throws a pitch.
– White Sox Dave’s average pitch speed throughout the night determines how he returns home.
– Every $40k we sell, Carribas earns a pitch at the end of the night.
– Every time one of Carriabas’s pitches exceeds White Sox Dave’s average, it knocks him down a tier.

TIERS
85 & Up: Private Jet
80-84: First Class
75-79: Coach
70-74: Spirit
65-69: Train
60-64: Bus
59 & Under: New Uber Every 20 Miles

Honestly this is one of those things where I have no idea what to expect. The thesis is that the more pitches White Sox Dave is forced to throw the more arm will get worn out and the lower his velocity will become and the lower his average will become. This obviously opens the door for Carriabs to knock him down a few tiers at the end of the night. Best case scenario is that somehow White Sox Dave has to switch Ubers every 20 miles all the way back to Chicago which honestly sounds like a fate worse than hell. A bus is no walk in the part either. Like I said I have no clue what to expect but I think he’s gonna be way closer to a bus than he is a private plane.

As a reminder the telethon and the contest start at 7pm sharp.